Mighty Warrior

"I don't know even know if I want to be a missionary anymore. I feel like I don't have anything to offer! When I think about the giftings and skills needed to be in ministry or work for a missions organization, I don't have any of them... I'm frustrated at God because it seems like all I do is wait and He never gives me any direction!"

That was the gist of an e-mail I sent yesterday afternoon to one of my mentors back home in Kansas. I was at the end of my rope. For some reason the past few weeks have been really hard. I think part of it is I realized that my time in Wales is half-way over and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing next. Truth is, I like to plan and be in control. In many ways I'm flexible in my plans, I'm open to going different places and trying different things, but I want to know well in advance about them! If God is sending me someplace different, well I'd like to know ASAP, I need to start planning! However, that's generally not how God works.

But, back to yesterday... I was at the point of questioning if I really even want to be a missionary anymore. I had spoken with my Mom on Skype that afternoon and she was asking me questions trying to help me process things and maybe get some ideas of what I should pursue next. She asked me why I wanted to be a missionary. I just sat there for a minute and really had to think. I gave some half-hearted answers that didn't even convince myself that it was a legitimate calling on my life. I've been looking into job listings for missions organizations as well, but I found that I had no qualifications for the jobs listed. To be honest, I felt completely worthless, like I had nothing to offer. Nothing in me...

I tried to get my mind off of things, so I made dinner, and then got ready for the Alpha Wales Vision Evening. The CapCity Staff were all going to attend. In case you don't know, Alpha Course is a 10-week course that gives all the basics about Christianity and Jesus, we ran one earlier this year and it was great! The point of the evening was to encourage people who were already doing Alpha Courses, to have a time of teaching on Jesus' vision, and a time of prayer and worship. The teaching section was great, it was about Matthew 9:35-38 were Jesus talked about the harvest being plentiful, but the workers were few. Right away I felt some conviction and a reminder of why I'm doing what I'm doing. The harvest is plentiful and the workers are few! Already I felt that God had spoken to me. Then the second speaker, Bill, came up and he was talking about prayer. He basically shared a lot of stories, which I love, about answered prayers and how God had done great things in his life through being a part of Alpha. Then we had a time of prayer and worship.

Towards the end of the prayer time the Holy Spirit began speaking prophetic words through Bill to some of the people in the audience. I've been to a lot of things were this happened and I've always wished that someone would have a prophetic word for me; more so than ever, I was hungry for God and I needed something from Him. Bill had given a prophetic word to a guy on the other side of the room then he looked straight at me and said, "You, come up for prayer." Without hesitation I stepped right up to the front, which wasn't far as we were on the second row. He looked me in the eyes and said this. "God is calling you out. He's releasing you. Do you know how God called on Gideon? He greeted him by calling him a mighty warrior. God is calling on you in the same way. What you don't see in yourself, God sees in you."... It hit me like a ton of bricks and I was speechless! God literally spoke specifically to me through this man that I had never met before! It was exactly what I needed to hear. I had been feeling worthless, like I had nothing to offer, I really didn't see anything in myself. But, God does and He's calling me forth. Mighty warrior is what it says in the NIV, or Mighty hero in the NLT. Judges 6:12, "The angle of the Lord appeared to him and said, 'Mighty hero, the Lord is with you.'" This was before Gideon had done anything, he was out working in the fields. But God saw him tearing down the idols of baal, and defeating the Midianite army of thousands with only 300 men, he saw him becoming Israel's judge and living in peace for 40 years. Gideon saw himself and his clan as weak and lowly, but God saw him as the mighty warrior that he was to become.

I don't know what will happen in the next 6 months, or even what tomorrow will bring. I do know this, God is alive and active! He's speaking to me, to us and calling us forth. He sees in us what we don't see in ourselves.

God saw where I was yesterday, he saw in my depression and lack of confidence. He had compassion on me and spoke words of life into my heart.

He called me forth...

He called me a Mighty Warrior.

Beauty

I spent last week exploring Italy with my brother and a friend from college. We saw a lot in the 8 days we were in Italy. Venice, Florence, Pisa, and the Cinque Terre- Italian riviera on the Western coast.... It was amazing. I probably use that word too much, but I can't think of a better word to describe it.

Venice is one of the most picturesque cities I've been to. There's just something enchanting about the all the canals and bridges crossing them. The tiny, winding "streets" that go through the city call out to you and make you want to see what's around the corner. Florence is filled with some of the best sculptures and paintings in the world. You stand in awe as you look upon the masterpieces and contemplate the time and energy put into every brush stroke and carving of stone. The churches in all of the cities are works of art themselves. The amount of detail put into every surface of the buildings are breathtaking. The hours and hours of work put into it is incredible. The Cinque Terre is like something out of a fairy tale. Tiny villages planted in the cliffs along the Mediterranean sea. The water is the most stunning, clear blue I've ever seen. The hills are filled herbs, flowers, and fruit trees. The air is rich with the fragrance of flowers blooming and the cool freshness of the ocean breeze. Being there brings your heart to life. 

So much beauty, it's overwhelming. But there's something more to it. There were thousands of tourists everywhere we went. Why are these places so popular? What is it that calls out to people, to make them spend hours of travel and hundreds or thousands of dollars to simply see these cities and landscapes? Beauty. God's creation, a reflection of who He is. Every masterpiece has a bit of the master in it. When we see these places of beauty we see a little bit of God's glory, His beauty. 

The Cinque Terre was probably my favorite out of all the places we visited. I can't help but feel at home and just a little closer to Jesus in places like Cinque Terre. Like I said, it's brings your heart to life. It gets me excited because I know that this is only a dimly lit preview of what's coming next, heaven! I must say that my excitement and expectancy for heaven has grown over the past few months. As I've spent more time in the presence of the King, seeking His face, I've come to to know Him better which only makes me want more. I want to experience His presence in new ways. I want to know His love like I've never known it before. I want to stand in awe of His creation and sing His praises. I long for the days when all of my time will be spent with Him and there will be NO barrier between us! Me and Jesus, His glory and beauty fully known!

Beauty calls out to us because we were made for so much more. We were made to be in the presence of Jesus, to soak up His love and beauty. I understand what the Apostle Paul was talking about in Philippians 1: 21-24 "For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live."

We all long for that something more, for God's beauty in its fullness, but let us continue in the work God has before us for this life is but a blinking of an eye in comparison to eternity. Until that day comes may we enjoy the beauty God has displayed for us!

  

 Venice

  

 Florence

Pisa

 

 Cinque Terre