Worthless

I'm probably my own worst critic. I can't help but analyze everything I do and wish I had done or said something differently. I can't help but wish I was more like so and so. More outgoing. More creative. More theological... In these times of self-analysis, it's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling worthless. "What do I have to offer? What's the point? There's definitely someone better for this job or activity."

I was journaling this morning and reflecting on the past few months I've been in Wales. It's been amazing and challenging at the same time. Like I've said in previous posts, I can be very task oriented and enjoy getting things done. I haven't had that many "things" to get done recently, and to a certain extent I've lost my identity in that. I'm the person that gets things done and I feel good about it... Now that I don't have lots of "things" to get done, where am I going to get my satisfaction from? My identity from?

It all has to come from Jesus. Simply living in the truth that God loves me beyond imagination. Why? Because I'm me. Paul John Cook. He made me a certain way, and there's no one else like me. I can bring a smile to Jesus' face in a way that no one else can... I'm sure some of you at this point may be thinking, "Geeze, this guy is really full of himself!" It certainly sounds that way, but the truth is God really does love each of us in this way. It's hard for me to accept this love, it's hard for me to be Ok with being me. There's so many things I'd like to change, but I'm realizing that I don't have to. It's Ok to be you, it's Ok to be me... It's Ok that I'm different than the average Joe. To be totally honest I have no interest in sports or video games, although about 99% of all other guys my age do. I'd rather take photos, or hop in a car and go for a road trip! I love being around people, but there's times when I have nothing to say and I'm kind of a sucky conversationalist. I don't know why, but it just happens that way. Sometimes I want to boss people around and be in charge, and other times I'd much rather be the one behind the scenes doing the things people don't see or think about doing.... All summed up, I'm weird. haha. But, that's the way God made me, and who am I to question that?

Now there's more to this, and here's what God showed me this morning. In those times when I'm analyzing myself, wishing I was different and feeling worthless it's doing harm not only to myself, but to God. We are God's creation, made in His image. So when we look at ourselves in disgust and long to be something different, we're essentially spitting in God's face and telling Him He's messed up big time. "What was He thinking making me this way? That's dumb."... We have no place to question God in this way, no place to criticize His creation. There's something holy about a life, about a person. Something we really can't quite grasp. To look at a life, your life and say it should be something more, something different, is wrong. We are the image bearers of God, His prized possession. We are mysterious and worthy because God is.

We are all born into sin, but because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, fulfilling the law, we are now blameless in God's sight... We aren't perfect, that's for sure. I definitely have plenty of things God is still working on in my life. And I do think it's important for us to strive to become better. To grow intellectually in our thinking. To challenge ourselves to step outside of our comfort zones. But, if you've accepted Christ as your savior, and you're seeking after Him with all that you are, then it's Ok to be you. It's Ok to not be perfect, it's Ok to be a little weird. God sees us at our full potential. He isn't bound by time like we are. Right now we may have a long way to go, but He sees us for all that we are capable of and all that we will become.

So if you find yourself, like I often do, in times of self-analysis and wishing for something different, stop. Just Stop. Rest in the peace and knowledge that God loves you just the way you are. Don't insult God by telling Him He messed up when He made us... I'm pretty sure He knows what He's doing, so let's not worry about that.

Worthless

To

Worthy

We are not worthless, but worthy because of Christ!

Yesterday

Yesterday was a really good day. It started out with a lot of time just being with Jesus, I'm thankful that my mornings are usually free for me to use for seeking after Him. I went over to the Starbucks on campus to eat lunch and talk with the staff at the Student Union. I've been going there since I've been here, 7 weeks now, and I feel like some legit friendships are starting to form.

This past weekend I went to a Human Trafficking Awareness conference in a city about 15 minutes away from Cardiff. I learned a lot at the conference and it was an eye opening experience, to say the least. It's been on my mind, so eventually the conversation I was having with the staff on campus lead to that topic. Some of the people were aware of the issues of trafficking globally and in the UK, others were fairly shocked at the facts. One of the organizations that they talked about at the conference is Stop the Traffik. They have a lot of free resources and information online to help raise awareness about trafficking. I had looked at the website and at the very least was wanting to put up some of their awareness posters. As I was talking with my friends, one of which works in the Student Union Office, the idea came to me about seeing if I could put up some of the Stop the Traffik posters in the Union. What you have to understand is that there is a ton of regulations on Campuses in the UK about what you can and cannot do, especially when it comes to advertizing things. I decided to go ahead and ask anyways. My friend said I would need to talk with the student body president. She then offered to call her, which she did right then. The president said it was fine, as long as it was approved by my friend. We went into my friends office to take a look at the posters online to see if they would be Ok to post around the Union. She said they were fine, and then... she told to just go ahead and use their printer to print off 30 of the posters! After that she went with me to a few places around the Union to post them.

It's been encouraging to see how the friendships I've formed over the past few weeks have opened up doors for things I wasn't even thinking about. Coming here I really wasn't thinking about advocating human trafficking awareness, but obviously God has different plans than I do.

I'm planning to go downtown sometime this week and asking businesses if they would be willing to let me put up some of the posters in their stores.

There's been times over the past few weeks when I've been at Starbucks wondering if this was really going to lead anyway, wondering if it was really making any kind of difference. I can see now that it has, and I'm sure there's much more to come.


The rest of my day went quite well. I met with the pastor, Bryan, I'm working with just to connect and talk, we had some great conversations. Talked about what we are doing in Cardiff and also about what I should pursue in my future. To be honest with you, my future in ministry is completely open. There are so many options, it's almost overwhelming in some ways!... Something I'm wanting to use my time in Wales for is to seek after God, and really ask Him to give me guidance in where He wants me to be in a more long-term ministry. It could be staying in Europe, it could be going back to Africa, I simply don't know at this point, but I'm content to trust in Him.


After talking for a while, Bryan and I walked back back his house with a quick stop at a Lebanese restaurant for some hummus, amazing!... I spent the evening hanging out with the Elliott family, and then was able to chat with some good friends back home later in the night.


So that was yesterday, a good day... Before I go, I do have some prayer requests for you:

Please pray for the awareness of human trafficking to be raised here in Wales. So many don't know, or choose to ignore the facts because they don't want to think about it. Also pray for this slavery to broken and for those in bondage to be set free! Ask God to show me and Capital City Church how we can play a part in raising awareness and fighting to end this.

Also pray that God would burden my heart for specific areas of ministry and would lead me into the right place.

Thanks and God bless!