Next

I find myself sitting at the solid oak table my Dad made for our kitchen, looking out the window at the brown landscape that is typical of Kansas this time of year... After being overseas there is always a certain amount of comfort being back home, at the same time there is an odd sensation about it. I've been gone for a year and experienced so much, but everything here is nearly the same. But I'm not the same anymore, and hopefully it's for the better.

I've been back in Kansas for almost two weeks now. To be honest, it's been weird because it hasn't felt very weird. 10 hours after getting home I went to my grandmothers funeral. It's not exactly the first thing you want to do after being gone for a year and spending 24 hrs traveling, but I'm thankful I got to attend her funeral and be a part of celebrating her life. She lived to 96 and had a full life. It's always sad to loose a family member, but I'm actually happy for her... The day I found out she had passed away was the day I was moving out of my flat and into the Elliott's living room for my last few days in Wales. My emotions were stretched across an ocean as I was excited to see family and at the same time my heart was aching at the thought of leaving my friends and family in Wales. That night I went to a large youth meeting in Newport, I was taking photos, as usual. At the end of the meeting was an incredible time of worship. We were singing Amazing Grace and the weight of everything that was happening hit me like a ton of bricks! I was overwhelmed. Then I began to cry, they weren't tears of pain, but of joy. I knew that my grandma was free, her chains of sickness and pain were gone, she was at the feet of Jesus worshiping Him! It brought me so much joy to see that picture in my head, not only that but I couldn't wait until the day when I would join her in worshiping our Savior and King! God gave me such a peace about what was happening.

It didn't feel right leaving Wales, but it didn't feel right staying either. My heart was torn, but I knew that Jesus was in control and nothing else mattered.... My journey home went smoothly and I got to say goodbye to all of my friends before I left.... Being home has been peaceful. Like I said, it's strange that it's not strange being back. But, I think it's because of what God has done in my heart over the past year.

Next...

What's Next???

I've always, always, always been wondering that. So much so that I've never really been able to live right now. The past 6 years of my life have been very transitional. 6 different homes, 6 different jobs, 11 different countries visited. The last 3 years have been living in a different country each year. It's been amazing, I've met so many incredible people and made lasting friendships. One of the major downfalls of all this transition though is not really letting myself settle or just live for today without thinking of tomorrow. "I would do this if I were staying longer." "When I move to _____ it will be better." That's the way it's been the past 6 years. I've not let myself be fully engaged where I'm at and constantly been planning and or begging God to show me what's next.

It has to end.

I've decided that I'm just not going to worry about what's next. I've decided that I'm not going to let the amount of time I'm living in one location determine how I act and limit the choices I make. I've decided to simply let Jesus take it all and enjoy today.

It's strange, and amazing, I'm back in Kansas and I don't know for sure what I'm doing next, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm free from that burden now. It clung to me for so long, and I'm so happy to be rid of it!... I'm back in Kansas and I'm not worried about what's next. Strange, but good, and right.

Now there is a tentative "plan" for the next few years of my life. I know that God has called me into a life of missions, most likely overseas. But before I go anywhere else I feel like I need to learn how to live in the now. So I'm planning on moving to Wichita to live with my brother and work for a few years. I want to proactively wait on God's direction as to where/what I should do next. I want to be fully engaged in life here and now, while at the same time listening to whatever God has me more long-term. It's something I'm going to have to work on balancing.

I'm excited about the prospect of living someplace for a few years without having to worry about what I'm going to do next. I'm even thinking about trading in my 15 yr old, gas guzzling truck for something that gets a little better fuel economy and that I could travel in. It's something I wouldn't have considered doing before because I've always been living in what's next, which usually involved something overseas.

Granted, my "plan" could totally change, and I'm Ok with that. Whatever is next I'm going to do my best to live it to the full and not think about what will be after that. It's not going to be easy, but with God's grace I'm hopeful that I can accomplish that!

What's next???

Well, Jesus knows and that's all that matters.